Dear Facebook friends/acquaintances…
Over the past year, I have noticed multiple statuses that say cryptic things and are aimed at someone. I am just not smart enough to figure out who:
e.g.
Don’t you hate it when some people throw eggs at other people? I hate egg throwers, and wish they would die a slow, painful death.
First off, let me say that I am confused. You have given me insufficient information to make a decision. Who were the eggs thrown at? Are the eggs literal, or metaphors for hateful words drawn in the shape of eggs? Can the eggs in question be made into a sufficiently palatable omelette?
Add a little ham, a little cheese, it'll be fine.
The next thought that naturally runs through my head is “Have I ever thrown eggs?”. Why yes, yes I have. I threw some rotten ones at a stand of trees last week. Surely, that can’t be what you are referring to? Or is it? You have succeeded in making me paranoid, and distracted me from the otherwise deep thoughts I would have posted on Facebook.
Therein lies the problem. You can’t just go around saying “I spy someone who has made me particularly angry this year, and is the world’s most horrible excuse for a carbon based life form”. You have to say “Bob Marsden, you suck.” It’s very simple, really. By using a proper noun at the beginning of the sentence, much clarity is achieved: We all know that the person who sucks is Bob Marsden.
If Bob feels he does not suck, well…he needs to take that up with you. This leaves the rest of us free to go watch something on YouTube, while you and Bob hash things out. If there are others that feel a need to take sides in the conflict between you and Bob, they can do that. You’ll find me watching a tutorial on “How to do the robot”. The key: Practice your dime stops.
When we use actual names rather than broad categories, it narrows down the list of offenders by at least several hundred names.
For instance, if I wanted to take out a restraining order against Mr. Klauschwitz, it wouldn’t do me any good to take out one on all the citizens of Couer d’ Alene, Idaho. Why? Because Klauschwitz lives in Durham, NC.
Also, if you have had/are having relationship problems, please take that out with the angry little lady over email, text, or heaven forbid, in the confines of the food court at your nearest mall. We’re not umpires. We just came here to see cute baby photos, watch funny videos, and repost a chain email once in awhile.
If you need validation that what you did was right/what the other chap did was wrong, have a personal conversation with me about it. If I am not available, call me. If that fails (and it probably will, because I keep my phone on silent, constantly), then send me an email.
You may or may not be validated, and in that case you are free to state “Hey, my name here, thanks for being a lousy friend. Why do you think I am wrong?”. During that time, we will have a real conversation, and I will tell you why you are in great error, and should beg for the other person’s most sincere forgiveness.
Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Bob Marsden.
Finally, and most importantly, when you say “Bob Marsden sucks.”, tell us why. We need a little context here. If he killed your pet rabbit, we need to know that. If you ran over his dog, before he killed your rabbit, we’d like to know that, too.
Context is everything, and if you’re going to regurgitate your hurt feelings in front of the world for comment, at least let us know what happened. Don’t make us drag this stuff out of you.
As a final point, this kind of behavior is uncalled for. You’re better than this. Start acting like it. If you have a problem with someone, anyone…have the courage to say so. It’s fine if it’s not all sweetness and light between you and another human being. Really. Civilization has survived minor(and major) disagreements for thousands of years.
Say what you need to say, direct it at the proper individual, and be done with it.